r (affectsmynerves) wrote,

being in this electronics course is making me feel good about myself in an unprecedented way. not that i've so far proven myself to have any natural skill for it, and i am concerned about working with small wires and ports considering the shakiness of my hands, but it's a thing that i am uncontrollably excited about doing.

i just cleaned out my wallet and found an ihop receipt from december.

i'm excited looking at the site i ordered my starter kit from and imagining owning all of these tiny parts and knowing what they are. i like having actual skills. practical skills. acadamia is trying to kill me. not like it's hard, but like it's very much crawling into my chest cavity and diverting blood from my heart into its own amorphous body. i forgot the emotional labor of school. the having to make everything a personal endeavor. for what, exactly? my personal feelings are my personal feelings. they're between me, my therapist, my best friends, my blogs, and my journal. no one else. end scene.

i want to be of use. i want the world to make use of me. good use, positive use, a use where i build. the day of the ihop receipt, i ordered a spicy chorizo omelette for the first time. it was a nice day. i understand why i hung onto the receipt. 
Tags: personal report card, progress wrt healing
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